Sister Christian oh the time has come
May. 16th, 2008 12:26 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
siannanSo at J.'s urging, I called P. to find out if any Bad People from the genetic cesspool were going to put in appearances at the wedding. She said no, not to her knowledge, so that's that.
Then I got the balls to tell her that look, I was nervous about seeing her for the first time since 1984. Why? Because I don't look the way she probably thinks a person should look, I don't act the way she thinks a person should act, I don't run around playing tennis and swimming miles at a time like she does. I live a very sedentary life at this point, exacerbated by the meds that make me tired. I deal with various PCOS issues that started up about two years after she last saw me and over the past decade or so have robbed me of any vestiges of good looks that I once had.
In other words, I am not looking forward to her passing judgment on me. Whether or not she says anything, I'm going to *feel* it. The fact that I am content with my lifestyle, I am content with my work and my art -- that's all gonna go out the window when she gets a gander at my waistline and sartorial choices.
I'm fat. Whoopie. It's not news to me. And frankly I don't mind my body in the mirror. It's the 'tude I get from other people about it that pisses me off. Yes, a person can say they're happy with their self-image all they want, but one dirty look in the mall/supermarket (for some reason my grocery cart FASCINATES people, I think they're amazed that I am not buying fifteen quart jars of mayonnaise and a tub of Cherry Garcia)
/doctors office/any public place can just scrub your whole day.
I don't dress like someone who wants to be ignored. I wear stupid t-shirts with Edith Massey on them and neko-chan ears because they are lulzy and pretty. I wear funny dresses with flowers on them and rhinestones in my hair. I'm not someone who is looking to be the Invisible Fat Broad. I don't want to assimilate -- and P. is big on assimilation. She once went off on this tangent about how Southern Jews are somehow more successful (?) because they weren't "counter-assimilatory" and I was like, WTF, Miss Daisy. Other than Robert E. Lee Shapiro I'd like to know where that data is coming from, and how you're suddenly the arbiter of Things Jewish when you still go to the fucking Catholic Church down there that you have complained to me so many times about.
*holds head*
Dammit.
The last time I saw her was such a stressfest and I was only 12 years old. 12, goddammit. The time before that I was nine and it was so incredibly awful for reasons that will have to go into another post because this has gone far beyond tl:dr.
But still, she's the ONLY person in my family that is worth a shit. She's the only one I can and do talk to, and most of me is looking forward to seeing her and seeing this niece of mine get married. But I have doubts and I wish I hadn't run out of Xanax. Good thing I made my pshrink appointment before we leave in two weeks.
I'm shaving my legs but I ain't wearing a fucking bra.
Oh, the upshot is, after I told her I about my trepidation? She said after a pause: "I still want to see you."
I would have liked a bullshit promise instead of that.
Then I got the balls to tell her that look, I was nervous about seeing her for the first time since 1984. Why? Because I don't look the way she probably thinks a person should look, I don't act the way she thinks a person should act, I don't run around playing tennis and swimming miles at a time like she does. I live a very sedentary life at this point, exacerbated by the meds that make me tired. I deal with various PCOS issues that started up about two years after she last saw me and over the past decade or so have robbed me of any vestiges of good looks that I once had.
In other words, I am not looking forward to her passing judgment on me. Whether or not she says anything, I'm going to *feel* it. The fact that I am content with my lifestyle, I am content with my work and my art -- that's all gonna go out the window when she gets a gander at my waistline and sartorial choices.
I'm fat. Whoopie. It's not news to me. And frankly I don't mind my body in the mirror. It's the 'tude I get from other people about it that pisses me off. Yes, a person can say they're happy with their self-image all they want, but one dirty look in the mall/supermarket (for some reason my grocery cart FASCINATES people, I think they're amazed that I am not buying fifteen quart jars of mayonnaise and a tub of Cherry Garcia)
/doctors office/any public place can just scrub your whole day.
I don't dress like someone who wants to be ignored. I wear stupid t-shirts with Edith Massey on them and neko-chan ears because they are lulzy and pretty. I wear funny dresses with flowers on them and rhinestones in my hair. I'm not someone who is looking to be the Invisible Fat Broad. I don't want to assimilate -- and P. is big on assimilation. She once went off on this tangent about how Southern Jews are somehow more successful (?) because they weren't "counter-assimilatory" and I was like, WTF, Miss Daisy. Other than Robert E. Lee Shapiro I'd like to know where that data is coming from, and how you're suddenly the arbiter of Things Jewish when you still go to the fucking Catholic Church down there that you have complained to me so many times about.
*holds head*
Dammit.
The last time I saw her was such a stressfest and I was only 12 years old. 12, goddammit. The time before that I was nine and it was so incredibly awful for reasons that will have to go into another post because this has gone far beyond tl:dr.
But still, she's the ONLY person in my family that is worth a shit. She's the only one I can and do talk to, and most of me is looking forward to seeing her and seeing this niece of mine get married. But I have doubts and I wish I hadn't run out of Xanax. Good thing I made my pshrink appointment before we leave in two weeks.
I'm shaving my legs but I ain't wearing a fucking bra.
Oh, the upshot is, after I told her I about my trepidation? She said after a pause: "I still want to see you."
I would have liked a bullshit promise instead of that.
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no subject
Date: 2008-05-15 05:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-05-15 05:46 am (UTC)You are my hero for putting yourself out there like that.
no subject
Date: 2008-05-15 08:06 pm (UTC)Best. Response. Ever.
IN THE WORDS OF THE GREAT M. ANGELOU!!!
Date: 2008-05-17 05:01 pm (UTC)Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me."
Re: IN THE WORDS OF THE GREAT M. ANGELOU!!!
Date: 2008-05-17 08:43 pm (UTC)